Echolocation

When I’m with you, the world is muted
We talk in quiet rooms, and damp the sounds
Of the world around
But when you touch me (touch me touch me)
My heart thumps like the force of
You, pressing your chin
On my lips
Me, gripping your palms
With my thumbs
Us, grinding our skulls
Til we bruise
I love the feel of
Your bones
Jammed against me
My teeth
Dug in your skin
Our hands
Flapping and clenching
You spinning
Me bouncing

You have the loudest hands I have ever seen
I could listen all day
Our bodies judder and shake
Reverberating through ourselves, the air, and each other
If sound is vibration
Our love is deafening
Drowns the ambient mess
Of the world
Wakes the butterflies in my stomach
My heartstrings resonate
With your silent hum

The first time I chose sugar over salt

run away with me

into the woods where it’s quiet and still

then touch my heart lightly, my skull firmly

bring your mind and your love but leave anything that feels like a weight you can’t carry and let the lightness remind you of the release

of the weight of this clumsy dance we do to please aliens

because our grace is invisible

our songs assonant; our eyes miscalibrated our thoughts misallocated

they call us jigsaws but you’re a fucking diamond who cares about the setting when your shine is that radiant

press your edges into me and i’ll find the give to hold you firmly with the softness they’ll never value but is all you see in me

Kerosene

Sometimes, when i meet someone new
their existence opens up in front of me like a forest
like a galaxy
And i want to /know/ them and for them to know me
but not in the sense of studying the forest’s map or looking through a telescope at a distant scattering of glitter that betrays nothing of the searing chemical fury borne of an octillion tonnes of hydrogen pouring heat and light into an abyss so vast it defies comprehension
I want to experience their life as a thing i can traverse and learn and touch and feel
i want to be understood and to understand
i want to hold open my heart and my head and my guts and have someone say “i /know/ you. now know me”
This is how I love. How I feel. How I trust.

Sometimes I fear that I am kerosene. I am an accelerant. I am rocket fuel. I am ~intense~. I am /too much/. I am unrelenting and exhausting. I am lists and information you didn’t ask for and laboured topics and no but wait just one more thing otherwise you won’t get it.
I am show me how your mind works.
I am tell me about every friend you’ve ever had.
I am show me the places your skin remembers.
I am please help me understand you the only way I know how.
I am my family hates me.
I am an abandoned watercress farm in the woods.
I am Soho square surrounded by pigeons.
I am the cathedral cloisters.
I am colour coded rooms with beds I never want to sleep in.
I am a code but I am already broken so just hold my pieces and maybe we can find some edges to guide us into getting it together. You are a masterpiece. You are a universe of meaning and I cannot wait til liftoff. You are the deepest darkest forest whose canopy I cannot wait to get lost under.

Meltdown #1 (cw self injury)

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Grinding whistling growing pressure

three
Like a kettle on the stove

five
boiling over

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a rattling pressure cooker

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screeching

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My joints calcifying

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Teeth grinding

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Hair pulling

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Clawing at my skin. Flaking picking bleeding stinging. Face scrunched up and gurning.

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No sound. My body still except for the vibrating, clenching, grinding tension and the engine tick of my brain counting pyramids of numbers tapping them out to impose some ordered beauty onto an ugly discordant world that demands i look at its ugly but not react to it

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HeadGettingSmallerCrushingMyBrainAsTheRoomGetsBiggerAndThere’sLessAirAsThePressureRisesAnd-I-Start-Hitting-My-Face-With-ThePalms-Of-My-Hands-And-The-Second-Knuckles-Of-My-Fists

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and I see flashing lights and my legs give and I collapse on the bed

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and it’s soft

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and I’m real again

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I’m calm

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I’m serene

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and the world’s the right size again

five
And I’m crying

three
but at least the tears are free now

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squeezed out by the contraction and expansion of my skull


like wringing out a heavy sponge


But the world is 71 percent water and i am oh so very absorbent

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